Very nice ummi !! Made my day :)
welcome join short story slam today.stunning piece.
sigh...yes it is...you paint it that way with your words...and some great captures in the pictures...
the imagery is breath taking.wow.:)
Indeed a beautiful day! The images and the imagery you paint with your words just stunning!
Yes! It is! Every day!Very nice and uplifting, encouraging poem.Thank you for sharing it!
yup truly beautiful :)
Sorry this didn’t get the crit you were looking for. I’ve just seen it now. You linked it up very very late – if possible please link earlier; critiquing is quite a bit more involved than the average commenting. Cheers(you may also find if you visit others they will visit you, though that isn’t the reason none of the critique team got here)
Ok Sir :) Will link it earlier next time. Thank you :)
Hi came by for critique. Realize you're on a different time zone. It's a lovely poem in its sentiment; however, I would suggest, as Luke said, that you read a lot more serious poetry.Read current writers as well as established acclaimed poets. Something that comes to the fore in a first read is that your lines are full of cliches. These are words that are overused, go together often and therefore as poetry don't offer anything fresh. The reason they're so often usedis because they carry a recognizable amount of information, a sort of "shorthand" to meaning.However, as a poet you want to say something much, much different. Your purpose is to break that down, have your readers see something in a new way they have never seen before. This is better accomplished by writing in a new way. Not only did you use cliches - you used them straightforwardly i.e. "all its glory", "burning away" "joyous and bright" "caresses the face" "peace of mind" "troubled thought", etc. You see you have a string of them.Try this again..Umesh you have a rich and varied culture. Draw on that. Talk about the sun as it is described in your culture, on your artifacts, in works of art from your country. Talk about radiance from within as virtue. Find a new vehicle for your message - the sea, the sun, and the moon are not exhausted, but to write of them is the most challenging of subjects because they've been explored extremely well by the very best.It might be easier to approach a personal subject and only use the universal in a new way.Talk about a child, a woman, a friend of yours. Talk about them as though they were something small or large - not the sun but the entire solar system, planets revolve in their eyes, stars stick to their toes, their fingers leave traces like cosmic trails. You see you have to find a way to be original. Dig deep!
Thank you so much for taking time and for the wonderful suggestions. Will dig deeper into the caves of my mind and find a new way to draw my thoughts. I started writing poetry 6 months back. As you said I will read poetry from One Stop Poetry and DVerse and try to bring out my best.Once again thanks a lot for the critique. Have a nice weekend :)
how beautiful orange glow.smiles.
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