Lying on his bed of willow,
On his favorite pillow,
He listens to the singing clock,
Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock...
Turning left , Turning right,
Waiting for take off of sleep's flight.
Turning right, Turning left,
Longing for consciousness's theft.
Suddenly his dog begins to bark,
There's something moving in the dark...
It's just a large insect - A dragonfly,
He breathes in relief with a sigh.
His dog has now begun to snore
Its irking sounds , he tries to ignore,
When in his balcony, an owl hoots,
He shoos it off with his boots.
Though his tiredness abounds
Sleep is nowhere to be found
Forcibly shutting his eyes,
He imagines the star-lit skies.
Seeing the bright, shining moon
Sleep begins to lure him soon
Flowing away from thought streams,
He finally dives into sweet dreams.
Image courtesy : Google Images
Posted for OpenLinkNight#3 at the dVerse ~ Poets Pub
Submitted for Thursday Poets’ Rally Week 50
Posted for OpenLinkNight#3 at the dVerse ~ Poets Pub
Submitted for Thursday Poets’ Rally Week 50
I really like this poem, especially "he imagines the star-lit skies".
ReplyDeleteThank you for the visit and the comment :)
ReplyDeleteI am imagining it and going to sleep now!:)
ugh i hate those nights...the sounds all seem loud and sleep in no where around..nice capture of it...
ReplyDeletethankfully, i don't suffer from it... i sleep like a log despite the sounds.
ReplyDeletegood morning and nice to meet you ~
Umesh this is a wonderful write, it accounts the minutes of waiting for sleep perfectly! Lovely words my friend ~ Rose
ReplyDeleteThanks Brian :)
ReplyDeleteNice to meet you too Heaven :)
Thank you Rose :)
sleep is innocence in a way. now ur lines give me a feeling of innocence and simplicity. guess sleeplessness also has some amount of innocence attached to it though generally we say the guilty lose their sleep :-)
ReplyDeletegood read.
cheers
Thanks for the visit and the comment Leslie :)
ReplyDeleteEverything is louder, more annoying, when you can't sleep. Even the dawn breaking is noisy. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeletelovely rhyming, smiles.
ReplyDeletejoin short story slam week 7 today.
awwwwwwwww
ReplyDeletedamn cute :):)
I am a self proclaimed insomniac, and I know very well the feeling when sleep just doesn't come!
ReplyDeleteCute poem, loved the rhyme. :)
You've described many frustrating nights I've experienced where the more one longs for sleep, the more elusive it is. Every single noise seems amplified which only adds to the torture. Nice details here. Well done.
ReplyDeleteVery well captured the sleepless nights of many people :)
ReplyDeleteVery well rhymed and nicely written. Me likes it :) :)
You have so wonderfully portrayed the waiting for sleep...the irritations and in the end diving into sweet dreams.
ReplyDeleteFalling asleep just in time for the alarm to go off!
ReplyDeleteInsomnia runs in my family, so I definitely identify with this experience.
Beautiful poem! I was tossing and turning right along with you. Very vivid and well done!
ReplyDeleteMy poem this week: http://charleslmashburn.wordpress.com/2011/08/25/she-sat-alone-2/
Very interesting.. such a simple experience taken and such a lovely poem drawn out of it.. really nice
ReplyDeletehere's my entry this week: http://wp.me/p1hI0l-7w
nice one! glad to be of acquaintance through thursday rally.. my posting this week.. http://fiveloaf.wordpress.com/2011/08/04/strength-of-faith/
ReplyDeleteKnow this scenario all too well (though in my case it's usually crane flies and not dragon flies). Very well written and imagery evoking!
ReplyDeletegreat..
ReplyDeleteAwesome poetry!!
ReplyDeleteMmm...sleep is so wonderful--last stanza is the best :)
ReplyDeleteI am happy with moon and star lit sky :D Finally he went to sleep.
ReplyDeleteI totally relate and love this .. sigh !
ReplyDeleteOh wow, this poem carried me through right to the end - took me to another place. Great story and great flow!
ReplyDeleteVery Nice Poetry with an amazing Imagination
ReplyDeleteGreat Work of Creativity !! Highly Expressive !!
It was indeed enjoyable after reading this one !!
Anyways, Take a look some of my Poetry Collections …
http://ashbeezone.wordpress.com/category/talent-underground/poetry-zone/
some of my Haiku Collections
http://ashbeezone.wordpress.com/category/creative-challenges/the-haiku-challenge/
and also, on my very recent Work as well
http://ashbeezone.wordpress.com/2011/08/15/india-of-my-dream/
!!! Happy Rally !!!
Cheers !!
I liked your poem very much. I'm an insomniac so I always have trouble getting to sleep at night too. I also enjoyed the song so much. Thank you! xoXox
ReplyDeletehttp://kaysalady.wordpress.com/2011/08/30/my-mind-is-frozen/
I was right after you on "Meeting at the Bar: Critique and Craft" so here I am with my critique as requested. I was delighted to find that I get to critique a rhyming quatrain instead of free verse because I like this form of poetry better. It especially suits the topic of your poem. I laughed at the dog snoring - for me it's the husband. I might suggest a pair of earplugs to this insomniac, but that's a bit off topic.
ReplyDeleteA few things I might suggest or edit if it was my poem are:
1. "Its" should be spelled "It's" because you mean "It is" at S3L3.
2. In S1L1 I would delete the word "made" to make the sentence flow better.
3. In S1L2 I would delete "pair of" to make it just His favorite pillow. Or if you want the image of multiple pillows then add an "s" to pillow. I think it's okay to have one of a rhyming pair be plural and the other not.
4. In S5L1, I would change "abound" to "abounds." Again, I think it's okay for rhyming pairs to have one be plural, and grammatically "is abound" just doesn't seem right.
You have done a great job of portaying the insomniac's plight. I love how you devote multiple stanzas to the things that keep him awake, but only two lines to his actually falling asleep. Peace, Linda
Hi Umesh, I have jotted down a few thoughts about this piece, in the knowledge that you will ignore them if they don’t serve your intention.
ReplyDeleteFirstly I can understand your decision to use a regular rhyme scheme to echo the ticking clock and provide a framework for the theme. I suspect you were aiming for a pretty regular rhythm or metrical beat throughout, but I may be wrong. If this is the case, it would probably be a good idea to keep this quite strictly, for example working to eight syllables per line.
The danger of a strict rhyme scheme is also that there is the temptation to force a rhyme and you may be pushing it a bit in places – for example, in these two lines I feel the wording is awkward in order to fit the rhyme (consciousness’s theft is not a naturally occurring phrase). I also feel there would be a better balance if both line had the same syllable count or alternated (eg 6 then 8) regularly throughout the poem.
Turning right, Turning left, (6 syllables)
Longing for consciousness's theft. (8)
There are a couple of stumbles with grammar: laying in S1L1, should be lying I believe and pair of pillows would be the correct form in L2. In stanza 5L1, ‘his tiredness is abound’ is not grammatically correct…tiredness abounds (no ‘is’ required).
I can certainly relate to the tossing and turning as your subject tries to sleep and it was quite a relief when he did eventually drop off. It’s a good idea, but one I think that requires quite a disciplined approach to rhyme and rhythm to really execute it well. This is just my opinion, so good luck whatever you decide.
I’m glad to have met you here and wish you well if you decide to edit this one further.
saw you already got two detailed feedbacks....so i just leave it by saying i could feel the insomnia in your words...have it not very often...but hate it...and even more when it's already 3 am and i know i have to get up at 5...ugh..
ReplyDeleteA bed of willow this is so lovely and such a great way to start off a poem. Very well done. I like it very much. My first rally was invited today I tried this one http://promisingpoetsparkinglot.blogspot.com/2011/08/agreement-for-thursday-poets-rally-week.html
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the critique Linda and Becky :)
ReplyDeleteHave made a few edits to it based on your suggestions. Never realized the grammatic mistakes. Thank you so much for taking time and providing your valuable suggestions.
Thanks for the visit and the comment Claudia :)
ReplyDeleteI love the thoughts and imagery and have an itch to give a thorough line by line critique, if you don't mind. I won't be home from work for at least an hour so you have time to object before I do so. I do know these nights!
ReplyDeleteI am reading the poem after your corrections as advised above. I think it is working very well for the most part, and I enjoyed it, but some things still read a little awkwardly to me. In S2L2 I stumbled over 'take off of'. I don't know how you could fix that and keep the meaning but I hope you find a way. You might have to sacrifice some of the metaphor and the touch of humour. :(
ReplyDeleteDo you read your poems aloud to yourself during the composition? It tends to show up where they're not quite working. I too would like a stricter rhythmic structure. Nevertheless it's a fun poem to which all of us can relate!
Thanks for taking time Rosemary.
ReplyDeleteReally appreciate the suggestions. Will try to change the 'take off of' part.
From now on will read my poems aloud. Thank you very much :)
I am still a novice at poetry, will try to follow proper rhythm and rhyme.
I am so glad to receive so many suggestions. Will
work on all the thoughtful suggestions the next time I write.
Reading aloud really helps me. Perhaps in S2L2 you could change "Waiting for take off of sleep's flight" to "Waiting for sleep's take off flight"... just a suggestion. I think the poem is funny.
ReplyDelete~laurie
I don't care much for end rhyme, but that may just be your thing. I find it an albatross. Once you discard it, you'll find freedom in poetry rather than restriction. I am more likely to be drawn into a poem written with gentle internal rhyme that has a more natural, lulling feel.
ReplyDeleteWell crafted poem. I liked it. But, I felt that the ending could have been made a little better. It may be that I am feeling this just because your first few lines are really good. :) Nice work anyways!!
ReplyDeleteI loathe insomnia - you've captured the crazy-making nature of it (i.e. the harder you try to go to sleep, the more it eludes you!)
ReplyDelete