As the Sun shines in all its glory,
Burning away everyone's worry.
With his amazing and empowering light,
Making our days joyous and bright.
Burning away everyone's worry.
With his amazing and empowering light,
Making our days joyous and bright.
As the morning breeze caresses the face,
With her soothing touch and grace .
Evaporating every bad and troubled thought
Bringing the peace of mind , always sought.
With her soothing touch and grace .
Evaporating every bad and troubled thought
Bringing the peace of mind , always sought.
Lovely birds flying around in happiness,
Filling the air with their chirp's sweetness.
Then you hear your heart say,
Its a beautiful day!!!
Filling the air with their chirp's sweetness.
Then you hear your heart say,
Its a beautiful day!!!
Very nice ummi !! Made my day :)
ReplyDeletewonderful :)
ReplyDeletewelcome join short story slam today.
ReplyDeletestunning piece.
sigh...yes it is...you paint it that way with your words...and some great captures in the pictures...
ReplyDeletethe imagery is breath taking.
ReplyDeletewow.
:)
Indeed a beautiful day! The images and the imagery you paint with your words just stunning!
ReplyDeletemarvelous :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful
ReplyDeleteYes! It is! Every day!
ReplyDeleteVery nice and uplifting, encouraging poem.
Thank you for sharing it!
love it.
ReplyDeleteamazing.
yup truly beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteSorry this didn’t get the crit you were looking for. I’ve just seen it now. You linked it up very very late – if possible please link earlier; critiquing is quite a bit more involved than the average commenting. Cheers
ReplyDelete(you may also find if you visit others they will visit you, though that isn’t the reason none of the critique team got here)
Ok Sir :)
ReplyDeleteWill link it earlier next time.
Thank you :)
Hi came by for critique. Realize you're on a different time zone. It's a lovely poem in its sentiment; however, I would suggest, as Luke said, that you read a lot more serious poetry.
ReplyDeleteRead current writers as well as established acclaimed poets.
Something that comes to the fore in a first read is that your lines are full of cliches. These are words that are overused, go together often and therefore as poetry don't offer anything fresh. The reason they're so often used
is because they carry a recognizable amount of information, a sort of "shorthand" to meaning.
However, as a poet you want to say something much, much different. Your purpose is to break that down, have your readers see something in a new way they have never seen before.
This is better accomplished by writing in a new way. Not only did you use cliches - you used them straightforwardly i.e. "all its glory", "burning away" "joyous and bright" "caresses the face" "peace of mind" "troubled thought", etc. You see you have a string of them.
Try this again..Umesh you have a rich and varied culture. Draw on that. Talk about the sun as it is described in your culture, on your artifacts, in works of art from your country. Talk about radiance from within as virtue. Find a new vehicle for your message - the sea, the sun, and the moon are not exhausted, but to write of them is the most challenging of subjects because they've been explored extremely well by the very best.
It might be easier to approach a personal subject and only use the universal in a new way.
Talk about a child, a woman, a friend of yours. Talk about them as though they were something small or large - not the sun but the entire solar system, planets revolve in their eyes, stars stick to their toes, their fingers leave traces like cosmic trails. You see you have to find a way to be original. Dig deep!
Thank you so much for taking time and for the wonderful suggestions.
ReplyDeleteWill dig deeper into the caves of my mind and find a new way to draw my thoughts.
I started writing poetry 6 months back. As you said I will read poetry from One Stop Poetry and DVerse and try to bring out my best.
Once again thanks a lot for the critique.
Have a nice weekend :)
how beautiful orange glow.
ReplyDeletesmiles.
Early spring 2014, Gucci is launching a new color and designer replica handbags style, whether it is warm brown and brick red, or fresh white and lemon yellow, become ye also warm louis vuitton replica the cold early spring of the best travel companion. Iconic Gucci bamboo elements, since 1947, the birth of countless celebrities actress replica handbags uk indulge in this unique arc in bamboo. Bamboo bag was born after World War II to the lack of replica gucci raw materials, Gucci artisan workshop in Florence try how to use existing available material bags, after several different attempts, artisans have replica handbags uk found the use of Japan’s imports of bamboo, and then after fire Roasted heated, softened, it will be able to bend into a moncler outlet unique shape of u. Both to create a natural and rich oriental elegant style, but also in cheap replica handbags line with the pursuit of quality Gucci luxury, but this is a significant moment of Italian design, with Italian production (hermes replica Made in Italy) the concept of integration.
ReplyDelete